You're getting company in 30 minutes. Your house is a mess.
WHAT WILL YOU DO?
SECRET TIP 1: DOOR LOCKS
If a room clearly can't be whipped into shape in 30 days--much less 30 minutes--employ the Locked Door Method of cleaning. Tell anyone who tries to go in the room that the door is intentionally locked. CAUTION: It is not advisable to use this tip for the bathroom.
Time: 2 seconds
SECRET TIP 2: DUCT TAPE
No home should be without an ample supply. Not only is it handy for plumbing repairs, but it's a great way to hem drapes, tablecloths, clothes, just about anything. No muss, no fuss.
Time: 2-3 minutes
SECRET TIP 3: OVENS
If you think ovens are just for baking, think again. Ovens represent at least 9 cubic feet of hidden storage space, which means they're a great place to shove dirty dishes, dirty clothes, or just about anything you want to get out of sight when company's coming.
Time: 2 minutes
SECRET TIP 4: CLOTHES DRYERS
Like Secret Tip 3, except bigger. CAUTION: Avoid hiding flammable objects here.
Time: 2.5 minutes
SECRET TIP 5: WASHING MACHINES & FREEZERS
Like Secret Tip 4, except even bigger.
Time: 3 minutes
SECRET TIP 6: DUST RUFFLES
No bed should be without one. Devotees of Martha Stewart believe dust ruffles exist to keep dust out from under a bed or to help coordinate the colorful look of a bedroom. The rest of us know a dust ruffle's highest and best use is to hide whatever you've managed to shove under the bed. (Refer to
Secret Tips 3, 4, 5.)
Time: 4 minutes
SECRET TIP 7: DUSTING
The 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House method says: Never dust under what you can dust around.
Time: 3 minutes
SECRET TIP 8: DISHES
Don't use them. Use plastic or paper and you won't have to.
Time: 1 minute
SECRET TIP 9: VACUUMING
Stick to the middle of the room, which is the only placepeople look. Don't bother vacuuming under furniture. It takes way too long and no one looks there anyway.
Time: 5 minutes, entire house; 2 minutes, living room only
SECRET TIP 10: LIGHTING
The key here is low, low, and lower. It's not only romantic, but bad lighting can hide a multitude of dirt.
Time: 10 seconds
SECRET TIP 11: BED MAKING
Get an old-fashioned waterbed. No one can tell if those things are made up or not, saving you hundreds of seconds over the course of a lifetime.
Time: 0
SECRET TIP 12: SHOWERS, TOILETS, AND SINKS
Forget one and two. Concentrate on three.
Time: 1 minute
SECRET TIP 13:
If you already knew at least 10 of these tips, don't even think about inviting a Martha Stewart type to your home.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Dead Duck
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery.
As she laid her pet duck Cuddles on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m so sorry, Cuddles has passed away.”
The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure – the duck is dead,” he replied.
“How can you be so sure,” she protested. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something?”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador retriever.
As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the duck. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely 100% certifiably, a dead duck”
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill.
“150”, she cried, “150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!”
The vet shrugged………“I’m sorry, but if you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been only 20, but what with the Lab Report and the CAT scan…...…..”
As she laid her pet duck Cuddles on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m so sorry, Cuddles has passed away.”
The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure – the duck is dead,” he replied.
“How can you be so sure,” she protested. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something?”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador retriever.
As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the duck. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely 100% certifiably, a dead duck”
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill.
“150”, she cried, “150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!”
The vet shrugged………“I’m sorry, but if you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been only 20, but what with the Lab Report and the CAT scan…...…..”
Friday, October 17, 2008
Another one!
It's amazing how these fetid stories jog your memory about poo.....
We all go to our local Rock/Metal night once a month, and the Gents has two cubicles with a typically flimsy connecting partition. The last time we went, for some alcoholic reason, some twat had decided to utterly destroy the partition, doors, the lot, so what was left were 2 toilet bowls free standing in full view of everyone doing a wee.
A good friend of mine in his drunken haze decides he needs a shit. In fact now I mention it, I'm not even sure he was that drunk....which makes the following even more disturbing. He sees the lack of shelter, and just thinks 'fuck it' and plonks his arse down anyway.
So all these people are going to relive their bladders, only to be greeted by the sight of a pissed 'Scotch' person wiping his arse in full view of everyone, the filthy minger....
We all go to our local Rock/Metal night once a month, and the Gents has two cubicles with a typically flimsy connecting partition. The last time we went, for some alcoholic reason, some twat had decided to utterly destroy the partition, doors, the lot, so what was left were 2 toilet bowls free standing in full view of everyone doing a wee.
A good friend of mine in his drunken haze decides he needs a shit. In fact now I mention it, I'm not even sure he was that drunk....which makes the following even more disturbing. He sees the lack of shelter, and just thinks 'fuck it' and plonks his arse down anyway.
So all these people are going to relive their bladders, only to be greeted by the sight of a pissed 'Scotch' person wiping his arse in full view of everyone, the filthy minger....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)